I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
