We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
