Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
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I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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