yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
