i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
