Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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