It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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