I'm going to jail i love you
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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