You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
