Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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