you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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