Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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