I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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