sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
