i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
