I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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