i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
