In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
