I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
