I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
