I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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