the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
