instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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