she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
