He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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