Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
