I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
