i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
