Please, let me fuck your mom
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
