someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
