Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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