wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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