i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
