the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
