I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
