she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
