ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
