You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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