I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
