my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
