i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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