i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he was CRYING into my vagina
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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