we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?