the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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