this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
