Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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