I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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