I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
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I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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