If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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