I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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