I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
