you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
