when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I love having hate sex.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
