He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
