I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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