my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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